I remember it as if it were yesterday. It was Thanksgiving of 2011. I was to be in Alexandria for the holidays but Mom had taken a turn for the worst in Pittsburgh. She had been diagnosed a year earlier with ovarian cancer. And now, here I was in the doctor’s office with the news that hospice services had been ordered for her.
The rest of the holiday season is a blur from Thanksgiving. I remember juggling the visiting nurses, doctor’s instructions, coordinating schedules with my sisters and trying to comfort my parents. It was all so surreal. I would go back and forth from Alexandria to Pittsburgh during that holiday season, trying to keep all the balls in the air. I remember one day driving to a meeting. Mom called my cell phone. I found myself parked outside of the Ronald Reagan Building with its holiday decorations as my Mom asked me if she were dying… It was the juxtaposition of the supposed merriment of the holiday season with that of the most awful conversation that you can imagine.
Is this really the holiday season? It just can’t be!
My Parent’s 50th Wedding Celebration
When the Holiday Season Takes An Unexpected Turn
Five years earlier, we had celebrated my parent’s 50th wedding anniversary on December 22. The whole family had convened along with my parent’s friends to celebrate the amazing milestone. The whole affair was a party and celebration.
And now, we were at my parent’s home with my Mom bedridden as we “celebrated” their 55th anniversary. Two days later, on Christmas Eve 2011, Mom would pass away in the comfort of her own home with those she loved around her.
Needless to say, our family grappled with the holidays that year. In the past, we had enjoyed each of the holiday season’s with its joy, merriment and parties. I had not considered the prospect that the holidays could mean anything but a fun holiday experience. Now my family and I were in the grips of despair while trying to observe Christmas Eve and Day. The loss of my mother being prominent on our minds. The weird and obscure process of celebrating the birth of a holy man while coincidentally discussing plans for Mom’s funeral service that same week. The oddity of it all was felt by the whole family as our healing process got underway.
Stuck in the Bah-Humbug Feeling
For many, the holiday season is anything but merry! It might be the loss of a loved one, a divorce, loss of a job, loneliness, a health challenge or life-limited illness or an unshakable feeling of depression that leaves a person with the bah-humbug feeling. Our society suggests that we must be happy and in good-spirits always but especially during the holiday season. Yet, what do you do when you simply can’t be in the spirit of the season?
Taking Time for YOU
Be You – Five Things to Consider!
- It’s OK! It’s OK to not feel the holiday merriment. Take time for yourself. Watch a sad movie that allows you to express the emotions that you are feeling. Call a friend or family member who will listen as you express your grief, sadness, depression or other emotions. Do whatever you can do – sometimes that might be absolutely nothing for the moment.
- Have Compassion for You. When experiencing a loss or depression, it might be hard to not second guess your decisions. If possible, hold yourself with compassion. In the Spiritual community, we recognize that all of us experience the “Dark Night of the Soul.” It can be tremendously difficult to go through the process of the Dark Night. It can feel as if it will never pass. Yet, as you recognize and release the emotions and feelings, it ultimately will lead to other positive openings. While in the Dark Night, see if you can also have compassion for yourself. Or recognize that this moment is awful yet it is just one sliver of your whole life. Recognize it, feel it and be there for now. It will pass.
- Recognize Your Limits. You might feel as if you must attend a certain event or activity, but you do not. Seek out options that if you do feel like going, you go but if at the last moment, you wish to cancel, then that will be fine too. Most importantly, find where you are getting your strength. Is it with others? Or do you need alone time? Once identified, be sure to schedule that time to recharge and rebalance yourself.
- From Alone to Community. In many of the ancient healing approaches, it is thought that community is an important aspect to healing. When you are ready, transition from being alone to community. Seek out time with family or friends – possibly on a limited basis as you begin to venture out. If no family or friends, then seek your community. Search for offerings to either participate or volunteer during the holiday season. Religious/spiritual organizations, community events, or other group activities will help provide that community feeling.
- Don’t Forget the Anniversaries! Invariably, we get through that first year of a loss. Yet, it is almost as if our mind and body remember each sorrowful date as if etched within us. For me, I now realize that every Christmas, there will be a day where I completely breakdown. It is usually when we are pulling out the Christmas decorations. The first time I did this, I could not figure out why I was sobbing so uncontrollably. Now I realize that it is my reminder of that holiday season wrapped up in my Mom’s death. Be prepared for the anniversary dates to wreak havoc on your emotions!
Final Thoughts and Additional Resources:
Some final thoughts to consider this holiday season. First, if you are considering harming yourself or others, it is important to reach out for assistance now. The National Suicide Prevention Hotline is available 24 hours to help and assist you.
If you find that you continue to have feelings of despair or hopelessness, reach out for professional help through your local community. Options may include but are not limited to: psychiatrist, psychologist, spiritual directors,social workers and other therapists. Find someone that resonates with you and let the healing process continue.
And finally, if you are grieving the loss of a loved one, I encourage you to seek support through your local hospice program. Hospices throughout the country offer wonderful bereavement programs for adults as well as children. Join one today and find the resources that you have been seeking!
Wishing you all of the best on your healing journey!